Cremation; The Untold Story.

I have always been fascinated by cremation. Yes the idea of having someone burnt and then have their ashes sprinkled into water (like in the movies) or left placed near the house chimney. Recently I have been analysing this issue and amazingly while chatting with a friend (Not the one you know). This friend explained that cremation means getting a body of human and then chopping the pieces and placing them on fire.

“Have you watched the videos on Bukedde TV where angry people burn someone during mob justice?”  The friend tells me.

He further explains that this is typically what cremation about. Someone dies, they are burnt to ashes or someone is burnt alive. We further divulge into cremation and wonder what the whole point is. So it is from this we came up with the demerits and merits of cremation.

This is the friend I am talking about

Advantages,
1. With the increasing inflation and spiralling dollar in the country, we came to realise that cremation saves one the price of a coffin and transport costs from the Uganda Funeral Services.

2. Cremation saves land. Investors in the country have been looking for land to put factories to assemble cheap Chinese goods. We do not have to burry people. We can always save the country and provide more land to investors.

3. Cremation saves on burial costs. Yes. At one of those investment club meetings, one re-known entrepreneur said that Ugandans seem to spend so much on burial ceremonies. So it should be a lesson from him that we can save that money and invest in other things that make people happy.

4. Broken hearts are not so broken. With cremation, the ashes can stay in the house. One can travel with them especially if getting over somebody is hard, then you haven’t lost anything at all.

5. During mob justice where the person is “cremated” one doesn’t need to find relatives of the robber who has probably killed to rob. Its saves time as time waits for no man.

6. Solves polygamy quarrels. If the dead person is a man, the different wives can get ashes and sprinkle or keep them. They don’t need to chop the person into various pieces yet there is fire that can burn him to ashes.

Demerits
1. The firewood or charcoal used to cremate people means that we forests are being depleted. Africa needs the forests.

2. We are wasting firewood and charcoal to burn dead humans yet we can use it to prepare food we can actually eat.

3. According to the Human Rights Commission, it is wrong to cremate someone. Every Human has a right to a humane treatment, so cremation of robbers is wrong.

4. Cremation creates unemployment. If people are cremated, the coffin makers, the Uganda funeral services and people who involved in death business will be put out of business.

5. Cremation is wrong. It’s not in the Bible (I am not sure as I tried to call, tweet and poke the Pope and Rowan Williams but they all couldn’t get back to me)

6. Cremation doesn’t let people move on. If you stay with the ashes, then it’s very hard to find another      person to be happy or share your life with.

7. Cremation as proof of total disrespect. How do you burn a human being? It’s illegal and uncouth.

8. Ash capsules are pretty pricy too. If you are to place them in this capsule, then it may be as pricy as a coffin.

9. Cremation causes air pollution in cases where the person was heavily intoxicated. Yeah, this is true. In-fact I know a story. People who drink, smoke, depend on drugs and eat genetically modified food tend to cause air pollution when cremated. (The research findings on this could not be cited.)

During my discussion with this friend of mine (Who is Owen Wilson), this is all we could come up with. Although there are varying definitions of cremation, I think we have clearly explained a concept that we do not understand at all.

Green Lantern NOT the review.

I am scared. Oh yes I have fear. 

"look look, There is some Castle Milk Stout," he says in a rather beer hungry tone. 

He says it with no fear. Meaning he is Green. Yes. He has some green face.

 Then in the corner seated on a couch is another gentleman. 

"Water please," he tells the waiter. 

So this dude according to Martin Campbell this second gentleman qualifies to have fear. The fear for Castle Milk stout or beer to be on the safe side. But there is no safe side. Some energy sucking skull looking imaginative figure wants to use the  gentleman's own fear for beer to take his soul.  

He running away from the Castle Milk Stout and he is convincing himself that he doesnt need to get high. All the people around him are sipping some rich, dark liquid. He watches them and he seems like he wants to overcome his fear.

As he sips Rwenzori Water, a curvy and scrumptious looking girl walks in. She walks straight to the counter and orders for "Castle Milk Stout." 

He stares(With his tongue popping out) as sweat smoothly glides down his face. The girl walks straight to him and asks.

"Can I sit next to you?" 

"Yes," He says in panicky tone. 

For the next 20minutes, he says nothing. To overcome fear number one. He walks to the counter picks a Castle Milk Stout. Infact he picks two. One for himself and the other for Blake Christina Lively. 

But before he could get back, The gentleman in Green, the Green guy, the one without fear had already started livening up Christina. They were laughing. No. Backspace. They were flirting. Touching and by the end of the night ended up somewhere. On lantern perhaps. 

The fearful guy had lost out to some dude who loves taking risks and his name Ryan Rodney Reynolds. Ryan had without fear taken a Milk Stout (Put Castle before Milk) and again without fear achieved a nice looking/amazing lady. 

This other dude with all the fear. Walked away, head faced down, angry and cursing. The spirit of evil hand taken him over. With all the rage, he became evil itself and went into a destructive mode. 

What happens next will send you to sleep.

Little Imaginary country

Littered streets, drunken men staggering out of a roadside bar and glide into their fuel guzzling SUV’s parked under a rugged roof. They drive on the garbage filled roads, oozing sewerage from septic tanks with the streets majorly deserted being patrolled by rats. Street lights have become home to the owls. The men drive to their homes. Homes far away from the sewer filled city.

Their wives wait at home. The food gets cold. As they wait, their heads become too heavy and they sleep in the couch. She cannot go out. A prisoner in her own house as she can’t leave since beggars wait on the outside. They need food. Food she has but cannot offer.

The husband is speeding knocking lampposts and garbage bins. He approaches his 16feet gate but the beggars are as many as the Vultures that surround a carcass. He cannot stop, he drives through with the protection of the community protection unit. They shove the people out of the way until he gets into his 1000 acre estate.

The drunken men all own huge estates part of which are sitting on land where the begging people were shoved, pushed and at times killed. All they do is to wait for food to be thrown over the hedge from rich man’s home. This how they wait as no-one seems to care. Their children wail, they have no food and those that have gone to school but can hardly read nursery rhyme. They have been denied the education and barely receive the healthcare they deserve.

The commander of the Vampires that are used crack down on the resistance 

Blood sucking Vampires  have been deployed to suck the blood out of anyone who seeks to challenge the drunken men. Blood would be sucked out of them and they'd be left harmless and restless. They would soon become the enemies of the people.

Every five years, the rich men seize to be animalistic, they return to being human. They begin to care about these people. They are offered free food, free clothing and are promised the same things every five years. They accept all these but at a price. The rich man wants to be in control again. To control the vast resources. The rich man says he will make the life of these people better but because of their beggar status all they care about is now. They now begin singing praises for the man. And for the next five years their status will change by less than a percentage point.

The beggars also rely on those who have been fortunate to have better lives. But they are also under the a spell. The spell of fear, the spell of being comfortable with what they have. They are like the rich men but the difference is that they are not in control yet they can be of influence. Some wine and dine with the rich men. They have been put under a spell.

This is my little imaginary country...

Smoothie for you....

I could have posted this on sunday night but I could not resist holding it back. It did not meet the minimum blogging standards. Before I could start typing and punching the keyboard I had to go through too much traffic. I was subjected to a security check and told to keep my hands up in the air or else I would be shot point blank. Then as the detector (avira antivir) was checking, a stone and then the smell of burning tires. Quikely I ran for my and set myself somewhere safe.(quarantine). And then finaly after all that I clicked publishand booom. The blogpost went to drafts. I scheduled. The reason I sheduled was because I was subjected to watch Federer be cleaned up by Del Potro at the USOpen. But how he got beaten up by a 19year old, I dont know.

Backspace
The previous night while doing a tennis show, I abused serena Williams. "Woman better get your manners back, Kim is back and she iswhipping your (then the teeeeeeeeee sound)." I was whisked off the show and suspended by the radio station pending investigations. Well serena lost to Clijsters who went on to win the
title the next day. Atleast I know I wasnt wrong.

Tab
(Fingures stuck on the keyboard wondering what to type next). Those riots in Kampala well I happened to have been whiskedaway before things become hot.
"How could I miss, How did this happen to me, I hate it when I miss drama," I said to a friend
"What did you miss now?," He said
"the drama in the city and now I have to tweet," I replied
"What did your father tell you? Stay away from politics and this whole love for journalism. Its risky," He said as he handed me to three novels. The bourne betrayal, the spies of warsaw and The scarlatti Inheritance.
As I am trying to offer a reply then My message tone on my Nokia 6030. (twi-twi-twi). The message is from UTL and they have comfirmed my tweeter ID and now I can begin to tweet on UTL.  There was some information freeze until UgInsomniac and rk kept twitter updates. How cute. All went well until.

Hold on wait.
And Del Potro wins the Usopen. (that aint a funny joke). I cant give comments on my radio show because I got suspended (I was charged for abusing the person of a great tennis player. Serena williams)

So then I remember when I was a producer and could sing. I used to love one great song "Coz I gat high, coz I gat high." so then Last Night at the VMA's( I was there as Kanye) as the rookie taylor swift is accepting her award, I hustle and puff, grab the mic and:

" You know what, Beyonce deserved to win the award not this blonde looking chic."

Bang. I had dropped it. But then I remembered its "coz I gat high on benzene mixed with cocaine ice cream and a marijuana smoothie."
Oh sorry Baz, aint no such With victoria in victoria in Sychelles. And sleek remember to tell the grandkids what you used to drink please help me find streetsider, in this prison its kinda dark so I need some light. In this prison I was able to still write something for yz to read. And lulu a question: Do you ever listen to UBC radio Blue channel? some guy called GNL Zamba, GNL enzamba(get him fired). So then UgGal, I could take you out for Ice cream, Normzo is babysitting. By the way I can also make a rolex for those I do not want to mention here. Heaven, you still freaked out? TRP am so sorry about the post that disapeared.
Just realised this post is too long. Umm please if anyone can locate SERAKALZ.(she went of the radar. Did she get fired?)

And then you should have an emotional me apologise on the Jay Leno show. All this was after I realised what I had done.
"Am sorry taylor swift, Anything I can do to help you, you are so talented,"
Well its so sad that after the events last week in Kampala there is no-one willing to be responsible. Someone to get up and say
"I screwed Up and am sorry."

Disclaimer: I never listen to UBC blue channel, I was just tunning and heard this guy say GNL Enzamba.

Quote: Boldness is a mask for fear, however great - John Dryden

Reading: The spies of warsaw - Allan Furst.